Erik Ogan (eriktheplaid) wrote,
Erik Ogan

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". . . I can't tell you, but I know it's mine . . ."

[Cross-posted from my MovableType Blog]

I've been writing this entry since the middle of February. It started is as a Trackback response to something Sean said, most notably, the last few sentences.

The core of my feelings on this matter have not changed, but most of the window dressing has, so this will probably require some serious editing on my part.

At the core, I know that my survival those first few months would have been nigh impossible without my friends. To all of you I owe a great debt of gratitude. No matter how much I loved my job, and the guys I work with (whom I'm lucky to count amongst my friends), I'd been careening for quite a while and I needed a foundation to land on. It took me some time, but I think I'm on my feet (though I may still be a bit wobbly)

Most of my vacillating during my first draft of this entry revolved around my near-complete ambivalence as to my living situation. I was convinced that my decision was premature (it wasn't) or that it would lead to an inevitable stagnation (the jury's still out on that). Living with Jonah (jd5p) has worked out better than either of us expected.

All in all, things are good. I still enjoy my job. I'm comfortable where I am, but I know it's not permanent. I have a routine that I need to work on, but on the whole I've been a heck of a lot worse.

February, for example. Looking back from this end of the chasm, many things are clearer now. I refused to let myself miss Chicago, Yojo or any of the rest of the Army of D[ao]rkness. I love them dearly, and I miss them still. I owe them another debt of gratitude for getting me through yet another hard time in my life, as they did so openly and selflessly the last time we shared a mutual tragedy.

Refusing to acknowledge those feelings doesn't make them go away. Nor does rekindling relationships here . . . dishonor or negate those far away.

As with everything, it's a work in progress. Nothing is ever finished.

Tags: bay area, cross-posted, friends, housing, personal, self-absorbed rambling, sunnyvale

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